Postcards From The Funk

I'm sad to note, ladies and gentlemen, that the funk has returned. I think it's a combination of things coupled with my regular self-loathing.

I'm still missing my daughter. It's the first time I've even been away from her for any protracted length of time. (As I sat writing this, I get a phone call from camp. Offspring's been thrown from a horse, and while she's physically all right, the homesickness blues was triggered by the mishap. The camp nurse assures me that she's none the worse for the experience, but that she's just really missing her mom. Aw. My sweet baby.) I should be better about letting her spread her wings are soar on her own. I'm trying, but it's very hard.

I got a call from the Girl Scout parent that caused such a ruckus back in the Spring, and she told me that her daughter would not be returning to my troop in the fall. While, on one hand, I'm relieved that the dissenting voice that cause me such personal anguish will no longer be there, I somehow feel as if I've failed. It's my nature to want to please everyone, and I fell short of the mark here. I wonder whether the girl had anything to say in the matter, or if the decision was purely the mother's? From what I understand, the girls are perfectly happy with the way things are going, and it's just one or two mothers that are dissatisfied. So, now I'm left not only with the feeling that there's something I should have done and didn't; and feeling of failure, but also the odd sense of a job left undone; an incompleteness of sorts.

I also feel sort of superfluous at the moment -- school out for the summer, vacation over, child away, no major projects on the horizon. I'm at loose ends. I have nothing really occupying my time, and no real energy to start a new project. I've talked before about how I have real self-worth issues, and how I've gone to great lengths to try and prove to myself that I am a worthy person -- some days, it's harder to convince myself of it than others. There are so many reasons for why I can question my inner worth, and no matter how upbeat I try to be, sometimes the funk wins out. I guess this is just one of those times.