Monday, August 08, 2005

The Twins: Bosom, or Chest-Level Shelf?

Every. Single. Frickin'. Time! I go out to eat with JF tonight, and, like always, I dribble something on my front. It's always upon one (or both!) of the breasts. I have come to the conclusion that there's a food magnet in there that just draws sauces and little foody, drippy bits to them. Why not? JF's hands are like boob-seeking missiles. Why can't the rational explanation be that instead of the fact that I am both bosomy *and* clumsy?

I am damn near 35 years old, and I have to wear a bib over nice clothes, or they don't remain nice for long! I don't have all that many "professional" clothes, since I mostly crawl around on the floor with kids, and skirts/pantyhose are an oppressive tool of The Man. (Also, if two legs' worth are "panty hose", is just one leg a panty ho?)

My hatred of the Twins is not helped by the fact that JF thinks it's the coolest thing since Star Wars that he can wedge a canned drink in the middle and it not only stays still and upright, but mostly cold as well. So, they can be shelf, bosom, *or* a drink coozie.

Oh, and JF wanted me to tell you all that the link on the right to Jason Garfield's site is just about the other coolest thing since Star Wars. JF is virtually in love with this man and his juggling ability. I told him that I'd post it, so -- there you go, Snookie Bottom!

I want breast binding to come back into fashion.

13 comments:

thingintheburgh said...

I think that shirts are magnets for darn near anything. Especially when there are kids at home. You leave thinking you look one way only to find out when you get there that u are wearing part of your childs dinner. Or the hairs that fell off the cat or maybe it was the makeup that you put on before u left.
Instead of breast binding maybe we should bring a change of clothing with us when we go out.

corndog said...

Wouldn't breast binding put a crimp in Phantom's Wednesday Whine - "come for the pathos, stay for the nipples"? In that case, and also because I'm a male like JF, I can't support it.

PPB said...

I think that bibs should be considered classy.

KLee said...

Corndog, just because the breasts are bound doesn't mean that the nipples are on permanent retreat. The way I understood it, if the nipples are hard enough to cut glass, chances are a little cloth binding isn't going to hamper them overly so.

PPB said that bibs should be considered classy. I agree. Why whould they only be a fashion accessory when there's lobster involved? I'm allergic to lobster!

Don't tell Rational Bear about the bibs, though....she took a really hard stance on fat pants...who *knows* what she'd do to bibs!

Songbird said...

I bet Rational Bear is a big fan of Zout. (I know I am.)

Running2Ks said...

Do you wear white shirts often? I find that every time I have white on, I'm doomed. But it does seem like your Twins have a life of their own. Thanks for the giggles :)

Phantom Scribbler said...

I am *so* with you on this one, KLee. I'm just hoping the problem will, uh, deflate somewhat when I stop nursing...

KLee said...

R2K's asked if my breastage problem was due to wearing white a lot -- no. I hardly wear white, because it's a) asking for trouble on the dribble front and b) asking for trouble on the see-through front.

Phantom feels my pain, but at least she has the excuse of nursing. I haven't lactated in over eight years, and the Twins still have their own solar system. I need a boomerrang to put my bra on! My Gals have taken on a life of their own. If I could just take them off, and send them to work with JF so he could get it all out of his system, we'd both be a lot happier.

RussianViolets said...

KLee, I'm in stitches from laughing. I love your blog and the way you write. Welcome to the blogosphere!

KLee said...

Thanks, RussianViolets! I'm glad that you like the blog, and I'm glad that you're here. I'll have to skip over to your place and check it out! Thanks for visiting, and don't be a stranger!

liz said...

klee, I'm in the same boat. The answer? Blazers or sweaters. Just take 'em off to eat (but try not to forget them on the back of the chair in the kitchen when you need one for a meeting.)

Put the blazer or sweater back on after you eat and voila! all evidence of breast magnetism is covered.

Jody said...

The Blazer idea is good, but Miss Manners had a better one: a handy washable goes-with-everything scarf. Sling it casually around one's endowment (that was her word, not mine, but I'm enjoying using it) before eating, unwind it with style after the meal, wash, rinse, repeat.

It's pretty far back in the on-line archives, so I can't check, but I believe her words were along the lines of "many problems can be solved through a helpful change in terminology." The original letter-writer wanted to know why she couldn't just go ahead and wear the bib already.

I used to wonder how my aunts never made it through a meal without a decorative dribble on that area. Painfully, payback is a b****.

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