Tuesday, March 16, 2010

An Open Letter to the Little Shit Who Broke My Daughter's Heart

Dear Shit --

Hi. I'm Offspring's mother. You will probably refer to me as "Bitch" after this message, but that's not really my concern. What *is* my concern is my daughter. My daughter is a wonderful person. She's smart, talented, beautiful, and a damn sight better than a little puke like you deserves. She cared for you, and you broke her heart. You played her against other girls, and dropped her as soon as it was easy for you. She helped you with your problems, only to have you pay her back by making her feel insignificant and unloved. What a nice guy you are!

Now, you may think I'm older than the sand in Jesus' Jerusalem Cruisers, but I can assure you that I am not in danger of kicking the bucket any time soon, so I suggest that you stay away from my daughter. Or "the bucket" is not the thing I'll be tempted to kick the hell out of.

It galls me to no end to see you pop up in her Facebook feeds. You talk all sweet to her, like you didn't rip out her heart and stomp all over it. You're lucky you moved across the state, or you and I would have had a nice little face-to-face chat. I would *DEARLY* love to paste this on your Facebook profile, so all the other sweet girls who fall for your huckster charms would see that you're not the innocent, nice guy you claim to be. But, that would hurt my daughter, and I won't have her hurt anymore because of you. Plus, she's a strong girl, and she can fight her own battles. You may have hurt her, but you haven't broken her. She's made of stronger stuff than a creep like you can dent, Thank God. I, however, have absolutely no problem at all wishing you dead in a fiery explosion of some sort. And preferably with the most pain possible.

I understand that teenage boys are all out to "play the field" and have a good time, but you seem to forget that you are dealing with people's feelings. Not to mention their irate mothers. So, unless you care to meet this irate mother, I suggest you quietly disappear from her virtual life, just like you did from her real one. This is the only free pass you'll get. There's a great many things I would do for my daughter, and flaying you alive and staking you out under a burning sun over an ant's nest while covered with honey is only one of the scenarios that a little maggot like you would inspire.

Oh, and if you EVER refer to my child as your "Lover of the Day" again, I will make sure that I remove your testicles and roast them before your eyes before I stake you out.

Love,
Offspring's Mom

5 comments:

Miche said...

How awful!

Big hugs to you and to Offspring. It's horrible anyone has to learn these people exist ... but at such a tender age. Grrrr.

Jenevieve said...

You know, I am quite skilled at performing both vasectomy and castration on young, idiotic bullocks...

liz said...

Give your sweet daughter a big hug from me.

And I'm sending you the phone book I'm working on to use upside that douchebag's head.

Marni said...

Awww man... I'll help.

ccw said...

LOL! I LOVE this; especially the roasted testicles part.

I am so sorry that this asshole hurt Offspring. I will gladly help you put him on the rack. It sucks for kids these days that all the "cool" technology has made their lives so much more difficult. None of them seem to get the once it's out there, it's there for everyone to see.

He's a douchebag and she is a wonderful girl who will be just fine.