Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It Ain't A True Southern New Year's Eve 'Til Someone's Blown A Hand Off

Yet another New Year's Eve in the Nation's Groin, and already the fireworks are loud and numerous.

We got back early this evening from a quick commando blitz-style trip to CityOfMyBirth for what I sincerely pray is the last little bit of festive family togetherness until at least Spring Break. We spent some time with my grandmother, who will be 90 this year, and God Bless her, she spent about 20 minutes of the time we were there whacking my father for one thing or another. May I say that I absolutely *adore* the fact that my father was getting called on the carpet and smacked like a naughty toddler by his mother?! It was truly a Christmas Miracle. I will hold the vision of my grandmother and my father elbows-deep into a bitch slap fight in my mind's eye until my dying day. It means I have ammunition against my father, and that, dear readers, is more precious than gold.

The next time he tries to verbally spar with me, I shall remind him that I saw his 90 year old mother kick his ass, and I shall win. Period. Enough said. My reign shall be awesome to behold!

Ahem. Sorry. Got a little sidetracked there. Seriously though -- if you lived with my father, you would totally appreicate the need to have ammunition like this ready against him. I have been at his mercy for far too long.

The trip was otherwish uneventful, other than the Ben and Jerry's scoop shop in CityOfMyBirth has closed, and that bummed Offspring out to no end. Our local scoop shop has been closed for about four years, so we always capped off a family trip with an ice cream, and it peeved Offspring that she was denied Ben and Jerry's. We had to settle for Marble Slab Creamery, and it wasn't nearly as good.

The trip home was scary -- the major highway was populated by idiots who were determined to run us off the road, and after we bumped through the median grass after a game of chicken with an SUV and a semi, we said the hell with it, and took a two-lane road in towards town. Then, some total knucle-dragger decided to pass a slower driver by coming at us head-on. We did another fancy slide through the soft shoulder, and crammed our hearts back in our chests. Luckily, after that, we passed over the river, into our state, and our town. We headed through the downtown area, to see cop cars with people pulled over virtually EVERYWHERE! Nothing says "welcome home!" like a squad car's light bar.

We stopped on the way to the house to grab fast food because I think our luck had run out. We're staying in tonight, and hoping that's fireworks we hear, and not gunshots.

Happy New Year, everyone! May 2009 be a helluva lot better than 2008!


ShortyMom said...

Coming out of lurking to say that was one of the funniest stories I've read in a while! Thanks!

kathy a. said...

happy new year!

SkippyMom said...

I wept from laughter through this post. I just popped over from Marni's blog and boy-o am I glad I found you....thank you for this.

[The title alone is worthy!]

Anonymous said...

Oh- yeah the title is hilarious (and true).But you forgot to add "or shoot your eye out".

I wish I had some ammunition against my stupid brother. Apparently, he holds grudges, even though I apologized, since he was 10 in 1982. And tells my friends all about it.

Anyway,just wondering if anyone had a sibling that held a grudge that long, and is still dragging it out. "T"

KLee said...

Anon -- my husband holds grudges that long. He's what we call a "stewer." He will hold onto a grudge for *forever*. I love him anyway, though.