Thursday, April 05, 2007

Slip Away

We sat in a booth in the back, and we could hear the wait staff bustling around in the kitchen, including the one waitress who sang the same line of a song over and over: "Slip away, slip away, slip ah - way yay yay yay..." After the fourth repetition of the same line, Offspring smiled faintly, chuckled to herself, and looked back down at her handheld game.

We ate our lunch in near silence, only speaking to order and ask for items across the table. Offspring mostly paid attention to her game. The silence stretched out for what seemed like miles in every direction. Around us, people moved and laughed, and the world went on, but we were an island of silence, as life eddied around us.

"Slip away, " I thought. Yes, it all did seem to be slipping away, didn't it? The feeling of control, the feeling of closeness, all of it. Offspring is no longer the little girl who used to cling to me like a barnacle. She hasn't been for years. Oh, I'm proud of her independence, don't mistake me, but it is still nice to be needed, even if only every now and again.

I look at her face, so dear to me, and I wonder how it got like this. So lonely. How did I get so lonely in a crowded restaurant with my own beloved child sitting across from me? The silence is loud now, like a klaxon. It crashes over me, like waves at the beach, tossing me until I no longer know how to break the surface anymore. It's no longer a question of speaking -- I couldn't, even if I had wanted to. I no longer had the strength to speak. To her, to anyone.

I haven't spoken to my best friend in weeks. She hasn't called me, but to be fair, I haven't called her, either. She's busy with her life, and she no longer needs me. She hasn't for quite some time. Her life no longer has room for me. I don't think it's deliberate, but it is saddening. I'm lonely.

The time is slipping away faster and faster, too. Pretty soon, I'll be forty, and I still don't feel as if I've accomplished very much. Back when I was twenty, I though by the time I was forty, I'd have my act together, you know? I'd be a much more successful person, a much *more* person. I don't know what it is that's lacking. Just a vague sensation of "should have". I should have done so much more. I wish I'd tried harder.

I fill up my days by sleeping as late as I possibly can, and then read and watch TV until the early hours to quell the raucous noise in my brain. I haunt the house in the darkened hours, moving endlessly from room to room. The klaxon grinds on, relentlessly.

April is a bad month for me. I always get the blues in April, though it tends to loom later in the month, rather than this early. Late April marks the date of the rape, and I tend to get more maudlin as the day draws closer. I tend to sink into a morass of self-pity and recrimination. I try to focus on the good, rather than the bad. I try to shut down the klaxon, and the deafening silence. I am trying hard to do that now -- trying so hard to hold on and to not just ... slip away.

11 comments:

Jenevieve said...

((KLee))

I'm sorry you're down and lonely. Wish I could come hang out with you!

Casey said...

(o)

Miche said...

Beautifully written! (In spite of the melancholy nature of the subject.)

Sending you loving thoughts and warm embraces.

Phantom Scribbler said...

(o)

We have the day off. I wish we could surround you with noise and falling basketballs for a couple of hours.

Yankee T said...

(KLEE)
I'm sorry about it all. They grow up too darned fast. And the horrible anniversary would be so hard on me, too.
I love you, for whatever it's worth.

jo(e) said...

Oh, that is such a difficult thing -- a scar that re-opens each year.

I wish I could come and give you a hug.

amy said...

KLee, I hope the warmth and security of a better month comes quickly for you. I hate April too, and I am happy when it's done. Do what you have to do to get through this month and know that we all love you here.

ccw said...

(((KLee)))

You know you can call any time!

Bridget said...

sorry you are lonely and sad. hugs.

purple_kangaroo said...

Oh, Klee. (o)

Karyn said...

Okay, first? I hear you on the "i thought i'd be a real person by this age" thing.
Second - slipping away - hell no. You did slip and fall, so that was close, but you're not gonna slip away. Life has its periods of suspended animation... try to think of it as a recharging point because you haven't a clue as to what's gonna hurtle round the bend in your direction.

I had a massive anxiety attack last night, I'm-Gonna-Die-Miserable-And-Alone kinda thing, and I wrote and wrote nonsensical blog crap until it abated and I was too tired to write anymore.

Better than you think, I understand.

And April is the unkindest month.

It will be May soon... keep breathing and knowing you are loved!