The Three B's

The first of the three B's was: Baltimore. I just traveled there for a work conference, which was great. I had never been that far north before, and I was looking forward to the trip, not only for the educational information that I was going to get out of it, but also for the complete change of scenery. Last year's conference was in Washington, D.C., and that was the farthest north I'd been up until that point.

JF was worried about me being in the Big City, so he told me not to go wandering around after dark, and to try not to walk anywhere alone. Knowing that Baltimore has some...um...*healthy* crime stats, I agreed. Plus, I've been held up before, and it's not a scene I care to repeat ever again.

As a fan of the late, great, and much-lamented TV show "Homicide: Life on the Street", I was curious to experience Baltimore for myself. I wanted to get a chance to take a picture on the station house steps, but, alas, that was not to be. We just didn't have enough down-time. It would have required a bit of a taxi drive, or a jaunt by Water Taxi, and it wasn't in the cards this trip. Maybe one day I'll be able to return, and that will be a must-see. Plus, I was under orders not to go alone, and truthfully, I didn't want to go all over Baltimore by myself anyway.

Our hotel was right next door to Camden Yards. I was surprised to see Camden Yards smack in the middle of downtown. Usually, the ball fields/stadiums are on the outskirts of town. My room was on the other side of the hotel, but some of the people in our group had great views down into the park. If only there had been a game.



The second B was: Binsk, as in La Binsk, an internet friend from waaay back. We were both denizens of a newsgroup devoted to the previously mentioned "Homicide", and have been friends for what seemed like forever, but without any chance to ever actually meet up. This trip provided us with a good reason! We made plans to grab a bite to eat down at the Inner Harbor, which was only a few blocks from our hotel and conference site.



Binsk brought her mother along, and we all had a lovely dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. It was great to finally meet her, and her mother was a true hoot. Unfortunately, they had to leave early the next morning to drive to Oklahoma so time was of the essence. If Binsk gives her permission, I will upload the photo of the two of us.

I arrived early, a few minutes before Binsk and Mom did, so I stepped out of the back door to check out what the Inner Harbor had to offer. I turned to the left, and saw the beautiful National Aquarium, so I took a picture.


When I turned to the right, there was the U.S.S. Constellation and the Constellation Museum. JF loves sailing ships, so I figured that I would take a picture of museum AND ship for him. I raise my camera to my eye, and I hear a strident voice say. "Ma'am? Ma'am! I need you to NOT do that!" I lower the camera, and realize that there's a security guard talking to me. I said back to him, in a very confused manner, "Um...I'm not taking a picture of YOU, I'm taking a picture of the *museum.*" He says, "I need you to not do that right now."




As I look around, Ol Eagle Eye me realizes that there are quite a few security guards about, and that though this is obviously a pedestrian area, no one's walking through. We're all milling about on the steps. At the end of the walkway, there are sawhorses, preventing the pedestrian traffic. (I'm a quick one!) In front of me, there's a small dock area where there are plenty of paddle boats available for rent. Only, strangely enough -- none are rented out. With this many people hanging around, you think they'd have some business. Hm. Odd.

After a minute, a man steps out of the dock house, and he's carrying a long hook on a pole. It looks like a fireplace poker with a really long handle. As we (the crowd and I) watch, the guy goes over to the corner of the harbor and begins poking around with the pole in the water. After a few minutes, he snags something, and begins laboriously tugging it over towards the dock.

Updated to add: Binsk approved my adding the picture of the two of us, so find it above!

Right about now is when I noticed the news helicopters hovering around. (Nothing gets past me, I tell ya!)

The hook man finally tugs his burden into somewhat of a viewable area. And.....that brings us to our last B: the body in the harbor. As fond as I am of police procedurals and forensic shows, all I had to see was a wet mop of hair to know that I was out of there. I bolted for the restaurant. Maybe my choice of pasta for dinner wasn't the best course of action, now that I think about it.

I called JF later that night to tell him about my first day. When I get to the part about the body, he had the same reaction that I did -- "Welcome to Baltimore!" Later in the trip, we encountered a homeless man in McDonald's who managed to talk the entire 20 or so minutes that we were there without seeming to take a breath. The day after the nonstop talker, we encountered a junkie in full-nod passout mode who was still managing to stand, by some miracle of gravity. She tottered in the doorway, and had occasional bouts of lucidity before she'd appear to pass out again. At one point, she pulled out a cigarette and stuck it between her lips before succumbing again. After a few minutes, she pulled out a lighter. I nudged my companion and told her that I'd pay her ten bucks if Junkie Lady lit her own hair on fire. Unfortunately, I have no idea if Junkie Lady survived unroasted because she left shortly afterward.

All in all, it was an eventful trip. The train ride was long and mostly uncomfortable, but it was an experience. I hope one day to return to Baltimore, despite all the colorful characters we encountered. Maybe the next time, I will have more time to explore.

On The Road Again

...or, more accurately, on the tracks again! I'm off this evening to catch my train to Baltimore. I hope to get some "fun" time in among all the "professional learning" time, but I'm not sure how much opportunity to do so I will have.

I plan on taking pictures, and hopefully, some of them will be interesting enough to share!

I'll be gone until Monday, so hold down the fort until then, okay?

Burnt Out

....or rather, the fire in my throat has burnt out. I, myself, have been feeling burnt out for a while. The latest development in the illness saga is that while my throat no longer feels as if it lost a fight with a packet of razor blades followed by a lemon juice chaser, it had mysteriously gone on strike.

I woke up this morning tired (thanks, Daylight Savings Time!) but feeling much better overall. There was some minor hacking in the shower as the hot water loosened my chest up, but my first clue that Something Was Not Right was in the car on the way to work. I've been blasting the most recent Evanescence album for about a month now, and trilling along with Amy Lee. Imagine my surprise when my usual soprano voice did a fairly convincing "Alvin and the Chipmunks" impersonation.

It was decidedly off to realize that I was about to head into a classroom with 16 rambunctious charges with no voice to speak of. I relied a lot on pseudo-sign language today, coupled with a lot of "come close so I can whisper to you" gestures. There was a lot of pointing, and a lot of raised eyebrows as well. I'll let you all imagine how swimmingly my day went. Go ahead -- imagine. I'll wait. Okay. Got a picture in your head? Now, instead superimpose that image with one of the mushroom clouds after the nuclear tests on Bikini Atoll, and you're just about there.

To cap the night off, Offspring gets a frantic text message from a school friend that the super duper, miss-the-WHOLE-day-of-school field trip she's been DYING to go on only has about 13 slots left. She panics, and thrusts the phone at me to call the travel agent in order to secure one of those last seats. Of course, they are closed for the day. OF COURSE. My life wouldn't have it any other way. I leave a very squeaky voice mail for the agent, and hope like hell they can decipher it.

And, in keeping with the "Once again, the Devil farts in my face" tradition, the very minute I am off the phone, Offspring bursts into the room, saying that the message that she got from her friend was "just a joke." Well, of course it was! AND I get to pony up $116 for the privilege, too!

Granted, the trip is an educational one, and one that I'd like to go on, if given the chance. (They're going to see the King Tut exhibit and the Terracotta Army in Atlanta.) I can't go however, because of this pesky thing called work, and because we will be leaving not even 24 hours later on a Girl Scout trip to go snow-skiing. Don't worry, I'm not taking the ankle biters -- this trip is Offspring's troop. We'll be driving to West Virginia, so I will need plenty of rest beforehand. Which means no back-to-back trips for good old Mom. Poor old Dad won't be going on EITHER trip. He'd have to bunk with a bunch of Boy Scouts he doesn't know for the skiing trip, and he's not exactly what one would call a social animal.

So, I'm off to bed in hopes that my voice will return as mysteriously as it left. If not, I have another day of pointing and gesturing ahead. What fun!

Woman On Fire

I know posting has been down to an all-time low here lately, and for that I'm sorry. I just don't how many ways I can say "I'm not dead yet, but I'm fresh out of blog fodder" without making your heads explode. I know *I'm* getting tired of hearing that, and it's my blog!

School has been a bug-bear. I seem to have the royal knack for pissing people off lately. There's a lot of pressure on teachers these days -- it seems like if we sneeze, we piss a parent or three off. I have a child who is a Jehovah's Witness, and while we don't want to offend the family, we DO still have to teach the child about holidays and the like. If for no other reason because we teach calendar skills, and if we ask what the holiday in March is, the answer would be St. Patrick's Day. That is not a deliberate slight to people who don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day, but we can't NOT teach that because one family doesn't approve. You know what I mean?

My new Girl Scout troop is going well -- there are 17 of them! I was worried that I wouldn't have enough to make up a troop (which is five) and here I am with one of the largest troops in our area! I'm liking it. Most of them seem very excited to be there, and they seem to be happy with all of the things we've done so far. I've got some not-so-attentive parents, but I chalk a lot of that up to the fact that I don't see them every meeting.

Juggling Freak's birthday is next week. I was torn with what to get him this year, and seriously considered a unicycle. He, understandably, wants to TRY OUT a unicycle first to make sure he doesn't kill himself on it. This sounds awfully cautious of him. This is also the man who wants to flamethrower our big oak tree in the backyard because it sheds bushels of leaves no matter WHAT season it happens to be. This is also the man who got on a wild hair at a woodpecker who was pecking our house, and would have killed it, had we actual firearms in the house and not just a black powder replica. Now, I freely admit that by the end of that particular situation, I would have gleefully killed that woodpecker myself for pecking my bedroom eaves at seven in the damn morning every Saturday. Instead, we tried all the things the avian vets recommended: nasty-tasting sprays, decoy birds, changing the wood out. None of that worked. JF finally paintball-gunned it away. I hope he didn't kill the bird, but I also hope he's too scared to ever come back.

Offspring is tempermental. It's the age. Half the time, she pretends we're not there, and when she's forced to actually --UGH -- *interact* with us, she does a lot of eye-rolling and grunting. Then when she wants something, I hear "Mommy...." She hasn't called me Mommy since she was about seven. Not unless she's angling for something. We've actually all been sick, and she's been more lovey since being sick. I think we all sort of revert to childhood when we feel unwell, and she's holding true to that.

Speaking of sick, we've all been passing around a virus of some sort within our family. I have spent most of this week with sinus congestion of massive proportions, so much so that I had supressed hearing in one ear due to cloggage on Wednesday. My throat has been so raw that I have honestly LOOKED FORWARD to taking NyQuil just for the numbing effect. I took Mucinex, which tastes like bug spray, just to get some relief. This illness, whatever it is, has kicked our collective asses in a MAJOR way this week. My throat is no longer on fire, but JF has been stumbling around with fevers of 102 and 103. Not good in adults. I'm surprised he's been able to function. I know I got all muzzy-headed, and I wasn't battling fever, just congestion.

So, that's all I got. Not much. Still alive, though not really feeling like "alive" fits after this week. Just surviving.

So Freakin' Junior High

I am currently embroiled in an Unbloggable, but I will let slip my guard enough to say that grown ladies who are supposed to be of strong moral character and hardy constitutions are being very childish right now.

As one of my friends commented: "I think it's time we all put on our big girl panties and dealt with this."

I thought I was long past the histrionics and teeth-gnashing of junior high. I'm sorry to hear that I was misinformed.

Random Bullets of The Same-Old, Same-Old

There's nothing really exciting going on here in Casa KLee, which is why there have been so few posts lately. And, rather than reiterate that with yet ANOTHER post that tells you, yes -- I am alive, but am a boring sod, I give you Random Bullets!

* Offspring narrowly missed summary execution by bring home a truly horrendous mid-term report. After tears (on her part) and exhortations to get crackin' on that grade (my part), bloodshed was averted. But just barely. When your honor students brings home a 43% average, that's officially NOT GOOD. And, yes -- there was cussing involved. (Her father and I.)

* I am so freaking tired of Girl Scout cookies, you all just don't know. Many, many thanks to Kathy A. for relieving me -- and the hatchback of my car -- of ten boxes.

* I am headed to Baltimore in a little more than 2 weeks for a professional conference. Binsk, if you're out there, you up for lunch? I'd love to do the Mikey Kellerman Memorial Pub Crawl, but I'm a serious lightweight, and I have to get up and you know, FUNCTION, the next day.

* Said trip to Baltimore will happen on the overnight train, which I have never done before. I hope the train is comfortable for fat people who need sleep desperately.

* JF has been very sick this week, including staying home from work on both Friday and Monday. That NEVER happens. He has to be bleeding from the eyeballs before he admits to being sick, but poor baby's been doped up liberally with DayQuil, NyQuil, and they made another kind of -Quil, he'd be on that, too. He went back to work today, but dragged in this afternoon like the Living Dead. I hope he feels better soon!

* My mother and stepfather have a Westie named Doc. They love this dog to distraction, and I swear he couldn't be more spoiled if he were human. Now, I'm not a dog person AT ALL, but Doc has personality. I like him. Well, my Mom caved in, and they bought a female Westie not too long ago as a companion. Her name is Skye, and she's a cutie. They dropped by our house this weekend to show her off a bit. She's still a puppy, but Mom says she's already ruling the roost. Doc's a good boy to put up with all her mess. I'll have to get pics soon.

* School is going well, but there are always the few that lag behind no matter how much effort you put forth for them. I have one child who is in a very sad situation, not only in his school life, but in his family life as well. I have prayed for guidance on this one, but I think , sadly, I forsee a future falling through the cracks. We'll work our hardest to make sure that doesn't happen, but when the parents just don't care, there's not much you can do.

* The Girl Scout troop is going well, though I have a few very headstrong little girls. I am trying my utmost to mold that headstrong streak in a positive way. I'll let you know how that all works out.

That's really all that's happening in this part of the world. Sorry it isn't more entertaining.

Nothing New to Report

I'm here, but have nothing of great import to tell you all about. I got off work early today to go to the local Girl Scout store to get some needed items for my troop meeting on Thursday, and then I went to Sam's Club, where I got some chicken sausage with mozzerella and roasted garlic for supper.

What a life, right?

I know. Try and stop yourselves from swooning from the glamor of it all.

Life in the Fast Lane

My time has been booked pretty solid for about two to three weeks now. I have had a lot to do since starting this Girl Scout troop. There is a lot of planning that goes into those meetings, and most parents never see all that. Plus, there's been the continuing craft workshops that I'm trying to offer, and family stuff as well.

I did manage to jaunt off to a crafting meeting on Saturday, and spent the afternoon with 16 other ladies, learning all about the new products that our company is offering, and getting to make some great projects with said new, pretty stuff. If you'd like, I'll post some pictures.

Offspring spent most of today making a "Wanted" poster for a school project. May I say that I was very happy to be able to slightly seduce her to the Crafty Side with distressing tools, parchment paper, and a judiciously sponged application of brown ink to "age" her poster. There may be hope yet for her eventual assimilation!

JF got a begging "please come back to us!" plea from the makers of "Star Wars Galaxies", so he's been playing that all weekend. The verdict is not good, folks. He says he won't re-up past the 2 week free trial.

Offspring and I are gearing up for Girl Scout cookie time. It's right around the corner, much to my dismay. I enjoy the fact that we get to do a lot with the money that comes from selling cookies, but it's such a time-suck for about six weeks. Ah, well. We're planning trips to West Virginia for some snow-skiing in early April (most of our girls have never been skiing) and then a trip to Sea World in May, and an overnighter at Kennedy Space Center in June. Plus, all the while, we'll be saving for London next summer. So, we'd better sell a bucketload of cookies.

What's new with all of you?

A Fabulous Deal Comes Back To Bite Me In The Butt

The other day, I decided to shop online for some things I needed for Girl Scouts. (Have I mentioned here that I was asked to start up a troop at my school? If not, I'll provide details at the end...)

I went to the official online shop and found the few things I needed, plus some great deals on uniform pieces for Offspring. I got really excited when I saw that some of her age-level items were on clearance -- two different styles of pants, one priced at 99 cents, and the other at $1.49. They also had a uniform shirt for 99 cents. I got all happy, and started clicking away. I am always glad to find stuff like this on sale. So, I had my sale items, and one really expensive item. My total is close to $100.

Imagine my dismay when I get all of the shopping done, and am at the end of the transaction, with all of the credit card information entered in, and BAM -- I get an error message. I get "We are unable to complete your request at this time. Please try again later." I got a little ticked, but I just figured that their system was down. I thought I'd try again later, since most of that was a really good deal.

I try again later, but still get the SAME blasted message. Over the next two days, I try this same transaction several more times -- all are unsuccessful, much to my dismay. I end up having to call Customer Service in order to get what I want to go through.

Fast forward to this past Friday evening. JF, Offspring, and I are all relaxing at home, when there is a knock on our front door. The only time someone knocks on our door at that time of the evening, it's usually our friendly UPS man to deliver a package. JF opens the door, and comes back into our bedroom carrying 5 packages. Count them -- FIVE -- packages. I immediately get a sinking feeling.

Lo and behold, through the magic of the Internet, apparently ALL the times I placed that order, it went through. Never mind that I never got a confirmation on any of those attempted purchases, only an error. I now have FIVE pairs of pants, FIVE shirts, and four $75 silk scarves. Ouch!

Of course, the delivery arrives after the Customer Service office is closed for the weekend, and I rush around, all in a tizzy, trying to make sure that I only used a credit card, and not my debit card, or we're in a serious mess. JF is usually the worrier in the family, but I'm worked up -- this is more than $400 we're talking about; money we can't just throw away at this point. JF calms me down, and tells me to check the bank account online. We do, and it seems we're safe as far as these transactions go. They were all made with one credit card, and we can get that taken care of pretty easily.

So, this morning, I call the Customer Support line, and explain to the representative about what has obviously happened. She seems pretty shocked that their internal auditing system didn't catch this snafu, but tells me to box all the unwanted items up and send them back, and the will give me a full refund.

All I know is it's probably going to cost me a freaking mint to mail all this stuff back, and I certainly won't be buying anything online from them for a LONG time.

---------------------------------------------------------

* Okay, so I was asked way back in November if I would be interested in starting up a troop at my school for kindergarten and first grade girls. I told the Powers That Be that I would think about it, and after some deliberation, I decided to do it. My main reason for agreeing is that I recruited a good friend to serve as my assistant. Leading a troop is a lot of work, and I've had lackluster backup and dismal parent participation before. I decided that if I did this, I was going to need someone that I could count on to ACTUALLY help. My friend, whom I call "Small, But Sassy" was a person that I knew wouldn't let me down. What with holidays, school stuff, and the snail's pace at which the bureaucracy works, we didn't get our ducks in a row until this past week. So, that's the scoop. I'll keep you all posted. Cross your fingers for me.

Cookie Wars

As I get ready for school in the morning, I usually take a quick minute to look up CNN and see what's in the news while I have my breakfast. This morning, this item was in the "iReport" column on CNN.

Basically, what the news item said was should people in the workplace sell Girl Scout cookies for their daughters? The hypothetical situation is that your "boss" basically demands that you buy cookies so that his/her daughter can "stomp" all of the others in her troop. I have quite a few problems with this scenario AND with a lot of the comments from random people about this issue on the site as well.

First of all, we certainly do NOT teach the girls that they need to "stomp" each other. I always told my girls that you are under NO obligation to sell *anything*, but because the cookie sale funds almost all of a troop's extra activities, that translates into "the more we sell, the more we can do". I never stressed a certain number of boxes, but instead encouraged the girls to set their own goals. If they do more than that, great. If not, well, that's okay, too. If one of their parents acts like an idiot, we have no control over that, but we HAVE taught the daughters better.

Secondly, a lot of comments were made that people don't think the office is an appropriate place for cookie sales -- my thought on that is "why not?" I never bother anyone about buying cookies. I asked my boss before the sale started if it was all right if I asked people if they wanted to participate; I sent out an email to all of my coworkers and said that they could see me if they were interested; and if someone said "no", I thanked them, and didn't bother them again. I never force cookies on anyone, and don't encourage anyone else to have aggressive sales practices.

Lastly, the Girl Scouts are a non-profit organization. The way we do most of our field trips and to buy supplies we need are paid mainly out of profits made from cookies sales. That's our bread and butter, basically. Fewer and fewer people are purchasing cookies, and even fewer companies allow Girl Scouts on their property anymore for public sales. Since when has having a Girl Scout standing in front of your establishment, selling cookies, been a BAD thing?

I have plenty of other thoughts about this swirling around in my head, but I am still a little too miffed to get them out of my head and onto the computer. It would probably also have language included that does not belong in the same post as the words "Girl Scouting" as well. Just get a grip, people! Really!

The Bucket List

I got an email from a school friend not long ago, and in it was her "bucket list." I thought it might make good blog fodder, so I'm passing it along to you. Here are the rules:

Copy and Paste to new email and place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not, and send it to your friends (including me). (Or, in this case, steal it for your own blog...)

This is for your entire life!

(X) Gone on a blind date
( ) Skipped school.
(X) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(X) Been to Florida
(X) Been on a plane
(X) Been lost
( ) Been on the opposite side of the country
(X) Gone to Washington, DC
(X) Peed in the ocean
(X) Cried yourself to sleep
(X) Played cops and robbers
(X) Recently colored with crayons
(X) Sang karaoke
(X) Paid for a meal with only coins
(X) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
(X) Made prank phone calls
(X) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere.
(X) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(X) Danced in the rain
(X) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(X) Watched the sunrise with someone
(X) Blown bubbles
(X) Gone ice-skating
(X) Been skinny dipping outdoors
( ) Gone to the movies alone.

1. Any nickname? the shortened version of my real name. JF also calls me "Boo."

2. Mother's name? Lynn

3. Favorite drink? Cherry Limeade

4. Favorite car? Honda Element

5. How much do you love your job? A lot

6. Birthplace? CityOfMyBirth

7. Favorite vacation spot? Places that I've *actually* been: Germany; places I WANT to go: London.

8. Ever been to Africa? No

9. Ever eaten just cookies for dinner? No, but I HAVE eaten just pie.

10. Ever been on TV? Yes

11. EVER steal any traffic signs? Yes

12. Ever been in a car accident? Yes

13. Drive a 2-door or 4-door vehicle? 4-Door

14. Can you drive a standard (Manual shift)car? Yes

15. Favorite pie? Chocolate Silk

16. Favorite number? 12

17. Favorite movie? "Twilight" is the most recent one I've seen, but one of my all-time faves is "Better Off Dead."

18. Favorite holiday? Christmas

19. Favorite dessert? Chocolate, in all its forms...

20. Favorite food? fried chicken

21. Favorite day of the week? Saturday

22. Favorite brand of body soap? Ivory "Pure Clean" Body Wash

23. Favorite toothpaste? Colgate Total with mouthwash beads.

24. Favorite smell? roses and rose perfume, especially Victorian and Tea Roses

25. How do you relax? Craft, read a book, take naps.

26. How do you see yourself in 10 years? Hopefully, I will be happy and healthy.

27. Furthest place you will send this message to? Maybe Jeni in Scotland will reply!

28. Who will respond to this the fastest? Hm - maybe Marni?

And Once Again, All Is Right With The World

Offspring, who displays very little emotion lately except disdain and "I'm too cool for all of this" came up to me a little while ago, almost in tears. Her beloved iPod, which she got for Christmas, was somehow stuck.

My mother gave her an iHome dock, and we set it up last night because her cheapie CD player was no longer spinning with any regularity. I told her the iHome would not only play her iPod selections, but that it was also an alarm clock. Being that it's fericously hard to get her up at five-thirty in the morning, I forsee this coming in handy.

As she stumbles towards me in her haste, she says, with a note of panic in her voice: "Mom? Was there a certain way to remove the iPod from the dock?" I told her, "Yes -- remember? I showed you how to do it last night." And, I demonstrated the angle at which she was to remove the iPod.

She thrusts it at me, quivering with angst. "But, it's...like....STUCK or something! I took it off the right way, and now it won't do anything!" Listening to the earphones, I could hear that it did seem stuck in the middle of a song, and it was making this buzzy sort of noise.

I tried turning it off and on, and that did nothing, so I googled "troubleshooting stuck iPod" and came up with a list of several things to try. Apple's support page said to turn the "hold" switch off and on and then hold down two button simultaneously until the Apple logo appeared. It worked.

Offspring sighed a huge sigh and said, "Whoof! I'm glad -- I thought it was broken! Thanks, Mom."

See? I am still good for stuff!

Bingo!

Not long ago, JF came home with a "WalMart Bingo" card that he found online. We laughed about it, because a trip to El Diablo WalMarto usually involves about every slice of the demographic pie out there. Some of the categories on his card (the one linked above) were:

-- child without shoes
-- a visibly pregnant woman with a "tramp stamp" tattoo
-- frozen food item left to thaw in a random aisle
-- someone oblivious to the fact that they are in your way

Today, we ran into a few categories that weren't even ON the card, and one that we often wish would happen, but never seems to.

I did see a child with no shoes, but to be fair, it was a baby in a stroller, and most likely wouldn't have been wearing shoes anyway. The baby DID have on socks, at least.

There was a woman in slippers, but no hair curlers. She must have gotten a rude awakening when she left the store to find out that the heavens had opened and we were now about ankle deep in water.

There are *always* people who block an entire aisle while they try to decide: "BBQ chips, or Ranch?", and today was no exception. I think most of them know damn well that they're gumming up the flow of traffic, and they just don't care. Anything that puts the other guy out is a Good Thing in their eyes.

There was the kid trifecta -- one throwing a tantrum because Mama wouldn't buy her something; the trio of kids riding the cart by hanging off whatever space was available; and the siblings having a fight. JF espied one little girl pulling another (possibly her little sister) across the floor by her ankles.

There was the local-to-our-area freebie middle square -- the wildly dressed/wild hair art college student wandering around, complete with vacant stare and iPod turned up WAY too loud.

The one category that we sometimes long to see (but not nearly often enough) are the kids who TOTALLY DESERVE IT getting their butts whipped. We often see the mamas who will smack their beloved progeny for no reason -- Mama whaps Junior upside the head and says, "No, I TOLE you we wasn't gettin' no Pop Tarts today!" -- but I mean the really obnoxious kid who tells his parent to "shut up, stupid!" and who richly deserves a beating that never seems to come.

We hate going to WalMart, but it's a necessary evil. At least playing Bingo keeps us occupied.

Tales From the Schoolyard

Our little city is well-known for its sub-tropical climate, and lately has been no different. The temperature was 75 on Christmas. Really puts you in the holiday spirit, right?

It was unseasonably warm here. Until about three days ago. Then the cold and dreary, wet weather blew in, and we've had kids bundled up like the Michelin Man roaming the grounds for the last few days. (The sad thing is that it STILL isn't that cold yet, but it's on the way. the weather men say...I no longer trust the local ones. They're not even *trying* anymore! Their forecasts are: "It will be between 63 and 68." Huh? *I* can do that much, and I didn't go to meteorological school!)

At any rate, dismissal this afternoon, the kids were pulling on jackets as they left the main building. Most made comments about the cold. Two fifth graders walked by, and this is the little snippet of conversation I caught before they were out of range:

Big Boy: "Man, it's COLD out here!"
Other Big Boy: "Yeah, it's colder than a witch's....."
BB: "A witch's what?"
OBB: "I dunno, I forget the rest. But, it's colder than the coldest part of that witch!"

Sheer genius. And, no - they weren't modifiying the conversation because I was near -- fifth graders just don't care that much. They obviously have heard the "colder than a witch's teat" saw somewhere before, but probably didn't know what "teat" meant, so therefore forgot it. Ah, the joys of kids!

Maybe There's Something To Triskadecaphobia

Offspring twisted an ankle at some point during the weekend, and begged to stay home from school today. I let her, mainly because she's only missed one school day so far this year, but also because I didn't sleep well last night and it was a chance for me to make up some of that deficit. Does that make me a horrible mother? I'm sure it probably does, but I doubt I was in the running to win "Mother of the Year" before this, so it's a moot question, really.

On one hand, I did tell her that a condition of staying home was a trip to the doctor's office. And, in her favor, she didn't whine about having to see said doctor. (Offspring *hates* the doctor, and can work herself into a death spiral if there's even a hint of "injection" on the horizon, so this is a major step towards "I'm not faking.")

And, on the other hand, I have twisted and sprained enough ankles in my lifetime to know how miserable your existence can be with one. So, I opted to let her go back to bed, call into to work, and doze until 9, when the doctor's office opened. The doc's office said that they'd take her this afternoon, but that if we think she'll need x-rays, we'd have to traipse over to the ortho's as well. I told them that I didn't think it was that serious, but that I was thinking it was serious enough to require more than an Ace bandage and whatever comfort I could provide at home. Now, we just have to see what the doc says.

13 isn't treating her so well just yet.

A Teenager At Last!

My baby turns 13 at 10:31 tomorrow morning. It seems hard to fathom that 13 years have flown by in what seems like just a blink of an eye. It seems like yesterday that she was a newborn. How fast it has gone!

I've always said that Offspring seems to be ahead of the curve -- she met a lot of milestones early, and she's been early with most things since -- and we started the teen years, attitude-wise, at about 11 and a half. But, now it's really here. 13. Wow.

She's not a baby anymore, and hasn't been for quite some time. We tease her about stuff she used to do back when she "was cute" or back when she "used to love us", but the truth is we still think she's pretty darn cute, and even if she doesn't like us much every now and then, I'm pretty sure she still loves us. Of course, this picture shows that sullen, "WHAT?!?" side of her, but you know what I mean. I chose this picture because it's the most recent that isn't from so far away.

She's changed a lot from the clingy toddler that she used to be. I no longer have to pry myself away from her; instead, I have to beg her to tell me something, ANYTHING, about her life. I have to wheedle more than the standard "nothin' much" out of her when I ask what happened at school. Much like most parents of teenagers, I would assume.

I often bug her, and embarrass her endlessly when I act in a way that is not Offspring-approved in front of her friends. In fact, just to bedevil her, when she says "Don't touch me.", that sparks off a furious round of me touching her as many times as I can before she goes all Norman Bates on me. Usually while I say, "Touch, touch, touch...." in a monotone voice, which irritates the ears as well as all the places I've poked.

She may be moody and tempermental, but she's all mine. Happy birthday, baby! Now go out and get a job before you nickel-and-dime me to death!

Seriously, though -- I love you. Happy Birthday.

You Be The Judge

We went back to school today, and it was HARD. I really got used to being a total slug who got paid for not working. Going back to work after the winter break is a slice of heaven compared with coming back after summer break, though.

One of my good friends called my classroom and asked if I could pop down to her room while she went out to the bathroom. I was happy to oblige, and started talking to her first graders. Some asked how my break was, and said "Happy New Year." One little girl raised her hand, and asked a question that gave me a moment's pause....

Student: "Mrs. KLee, do you know that song "Beat It" by Michael Jackson, back when he was black?

Mrs. KLee: "Yes, I know that song -- it came out when I was young. Back when he was black, huh? He's not black now?"

Student: "No, he's white now."

That's pretty bad if the six year olds, who weren't even BORN when he had his heyday know of his efforts to become Diana Ross. Needless to say, it was an interesting way to start off a new year.

It Ain't A True Southern New Year's Eve 'Til Someone's Blown A Hand Off

Yet another New Year's Eve in the Nation's Groin, and already the fireworks are loud and numerous.

We got back early this evening from a quick commando blitz-style trip to CityOfMyBirth for what I sincerely pray is the last little bit of festive family togetherness until at least Spring Break. We spent some time with my grandmother, who will be 90 this year, and God Bless her, she spent about 20 minutes of the time we were there whacking my father for one thing or another. May I say that I absolutely *adore* the fact that my father was getting called on the carpet and smacked like a naughty toddler by his mother?! It was truly a Christmas Miracle. I will hold the vision of my grandmother and my father elbows-deep into a bitch slap fight in my mind's eye until my dying day. It means I have ammunition against my father, and that, dear readers, is more precious than gold.

The next time he tries to verbally spar with me, I shall remind him that I saw his 90 year old mother kick his ass, and I shall win. Period. Enough said. My reign shall be awesome to behold!

Ahem. Sorry. Got a little sidetracked there. Seriously though -- if you lived with my father, you would totally appreicate the need to have ammunition like this ready against him. I have been at his mercy for far too long.

The trip was otherwish uneventful, other than the Ben and Jerry's scoop shop in CityOfMyBirth has closed, and that bummed Offspring out to no end. Our local scoop shop has been closed for about four years, so we always capped off a family trip with an ice cream, and it peeved Offspring that she was denied Ben and Jerry's. We had to settle for Marble Slab Creamery, and it wasn't nearly as good.

The trip home was scary -- the major highway was populated by idiots who were determined to run us off the road, and after we bumped through the median grass after a game of chicken with an SUV and a semi, we said the hell with it, and took a two-lane road in towards town. Then, some total knucle-dragger decided to pass a slower driver by coming at us head-on. We did another fancy slide through the soft shoulder, and crammed our hearts back in our chests. Luckily, after that, we passed over the river, into our state, and our town. We headed through the downtown area, to see cop cars with people pulled over virtually EVERYWHERE! Nothing says "welcome home!" like a squad car's light bar.

We stopped on the way to the house to grab fast food because I think our luck had run out. We're staying in tonight, and hoping that's fireworks we hear, and not gunshots.

Happy New Year, everyone! May 2009 be a helluva lot better than 2008!

Lazing About

Hi, all! Just a quick note to say that we're all still alive, and enjoying the time off. We have plans to head to CityOfMyBirth tomorrow to visit my family for the very last little bit of holiday gifting and assorted hijinks.

School starts back in exactly a week. I'm not looking forward to having to follow a schedule again.

Juggling Freak is busy playing with all his new gadgets, I've been messing with the Wii Fit that I got for Christmas, and Offspring has been MIA since about seven minutes after she opened the cell phone we bought her. (Thanks to all who offered advice about the cell phones -- we actually have had one for her for over a month, waiting under the tree, but I couldn't say anything about it here in case she read about it. Not that I'm "cool" enough to warrant her checking my blog with any regularity. Anyway.)

I hope all of you had a good holiday, and I send you all wishes for a great upcoming new year. May your 2009 be healthy, prosperous, and full of joy!

Ho Ho Ho!

For those of you that celebrate Christmas, I hope you get everything you are wishing for -- both materially, but more importantly, personally and spiritually. For my friends of other faiths, may you be happy, healthy, and fulfilled.

Thank you for spending time with me here, and thank you for all the love and support that you give me. I appreciate you all more than you can ever know. I send you all the best for the holiday season, and hopes for a joyous and prosperous 2009. May your lives be filled with joy, your hearts with love, and may your burdens be light.